Well, firstly, apologies for the delay in posting something meaningful on my blog. It's been a while and I know I do publish some good stuff on here (both serious and not), it should be more often. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
There's been another shooting in America and while, yes, there are shootings going on all the time, the motive for this one was very grim indeed. It has sparked debate, oh has it sparked debate, there are many views and stories abound on Twitter right now, as well as insults and other childish stuff.
Anyway the last time I wrote about shootings was here. This was off the back off that tragic shooting in Connecticut where many children died.
This morning, I watched Elliott Rodger's supposedly final video and thought about it, to make some final analysis before I wrote this. I read a little into his profile, he was 22, a virgin and had not even been kissed, diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and wanted to have a relationship with a woman but did not understand why there weren't women who wanted to have a relationship with him. So much so, that he decided to wage a private little war against womankind for ignoring him in favour of other men, the so-called Creatine pumped, muscular types.
I thought back to when I was 22. I'd recently left University, was looking for work and was finding it hard to adjust to post-study life. I had few friends at that time and spent a fair bit of time on the Internet trying to socialise with others. I wasn't very good as socialising and even though I had never been diagnosed with it (getting such a label is harder in the UK than it is in the US) I would say that I have Asperger's-like traits. I also had a lot of dark thoughts at the time (sometimes suicidal), and like Elliott Rodger, I still hadn't had sex. I was pretty much an angry, young man. I wanted to experience what sex was like, and my only experience of it was what I saw, in other words, pornography (which as many of us know is a completely fantastical view of sex) where, unless you go for niche types, usually involves the male in a dominant position, often forciful. It turns my stomach.
Also like Elliott, I was bullied at High School and was affected by it. School can be a frightening microcosm for someone who doesn't fit in, especially when hormones are introduced into the mix. Over and over, I would hear stories about other boys' sexual conquests (and the girls' ones too) and likewise I would be taunted for not having any myself. They even constantly asked whether I masturbated or not (I didn't - cue many sticky sheets in the morning (I actually couldn't at the time anyway but that's another story)). That and for other things they picked on, I was quite a withdrawn character at school, though I constantly had hope that there was someone at break times I could hang out with (there was one other guy who got bulled a lot but I didn't hang around with him - he was the token straight guy who everyone thought was gay - but in my naive young years which I regret, I was homophobic).
When I was 16, which coincidentally, was a similar time to the shootings at Columbine (Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold) and Dunblane, I spent many a time trying to hatch out a plan in my mind how to shoot up my school. Being in the UK, though, access to guns is much more prohibited than in the US, but I had an understanding then that you could get guns on the black market, and all I would need to do was to save up enough money, be connected to the right people, and do the deed. But seeing as shooters usually end up dead themselves, and shooting doesn't actually do any good to anyone or would have proved me right (and the fact that getting firearms is nigh on impossible), I had the intelligence to realise how really, really, really, really, really, really stupid that plan was. So instead I tried to focus on what I could do to socialise better, e.g. getting to know subjects that other boys were interested in (i.e. football, football, bit of music, girls and football). For a short while, I even became a football fan (West Bromwich Albion). They still didn't like me but I had more in common and ended up socialising a bit better.
Soon, High School came to an end and I went to University. To save on dough, I commuted from home every day, but this didn't evade the fact that I was amongst new people who were difficult to socialise with, even though I tried hard. I hung around with a group for a while (I've lost contact with most of them though). Desperate for social contact, I spent a lot of time on chatrooms and forums, just to talk to people. It was frustrating, though, as any form of social contact I made (internet or real life) was superficial. I'd see them but I'd never be part of a circle of friends. Again, my young, stupid self wanted to exact revenge on Society and I was glad I didn't. For a short while, I found an avenue for my anger against Society and hung around a bunch of hard-left fanatics (who were glad to take anyone on), and invited me to meals out and to quite a few demonstrations and events which I went to. I didn't share their politics per se, but did share some common ground, like trying to save the NHS etc. It was also a time I started learning about mental illnesses and whether any applied to me (I was convinced at one stage that the dark thoughts in me were a form of Schizophrenia). I did realise that I felt depressed a lot and suicidal, but was afraid to seek help in case I was sectioned or forced to do something which would mean I couldn't complete my degree. For a while, I self medicated myself with St. John's Wort which did help (I had to stop because it made my chest hurt for some reason).
I didn't do very well at University and knew that I was hovering between a 2:2 and a Third (I felt it hard to keep up the impetus to do harder, and my written essays were short of understandable at that point), and if I got a Third I would kill myself by leaping out of one of the campus windows. I got a Third in the end but I didn't go through with trying to end my own life. At graduation itself, you can see the anger in my face amongst my fellow students in the class photo - I managed to get a photo of me with my middle finger to the camera.
So after that, as above was more misery, but that wasn't the end of the story. Because rather than going through with a plan, divorcing myself from humanity and declaring war on it, I persevered. I found work here and there, and shortly before I was 23, I met someone and totally lost my virginity. I came in a matter of seconds as I didn't know what it felt like. We met from time to time (for sex - those times I lasted longer too) and were also good friends for a while, even after I dumped her. We're no longer in contact with each other now and officially none of this paragraph ever happened (I'll never name names either).
After this I was in my current relationship, and we stuck together, got married and now have a daughter together. Things are better, much better than those dark times.
So, I've walked the same path as many others who have decided to take it out on others, to kill and maim because things didn't go the way they wanted, and didn't succumb to that temptation. Now, it isn't just the fact that gun control is still too lax in America and the blame doesn't lay solely with Elliott Rodger, though a lot of the responsibility lies squarely with him for the despicable acts he did.
Some of it is to do with the company we keep. If our peers have similarly poor views on women (Elliott visited a forum with other men who weren't getting laid either which has now been shut down) then this can have an effect on impressionable young ones.
Further afield, culture appears to be to blame as well. Elliott hits out at the Creatine'd up men who seem to attract women like iron to a magnet, and at the women who ignore his supposedly gentlemanly like charms. He was also from an affluent background, with parents with successful jobs in the movie business, which you may expect some women to like. Why I mention culture is because culture paints two specific mindsets for men and women, and expects them to conform to this:
The men are told that they come first, that they are the best, everything and everyone else is inferior. They have to be at the top of their game, competitive, strong and confident to the point of being cocky. They are dominant and see the world to be something to be bended to their will. Men who aren't are to be destroyed, for they are not the warriors we seek. Men should also remove anything in their way if that is their will, for we do not bargain or negotiate, we shoot first and ask questions later. We want everything and we want it now.
The women are judged by how useful they are to men. If they do not keep themselves pretty, if they do not do what they are told, if they do not make themselves available, then they are to be hated. There is still an intense, global commodification of women, and this control is meted out through advertisements, magazines and the like, and even in the Western world, where women can speak more freely, this control makes this freedom more like an illusion. Women are still an asset or a liability, sold between father and husband.
Women are also "sluts", "whores", "bitches" and "pussy", whereas men are men, only sometimes suffering an insult which is usually unisex like "arsehole/asshole".
It is toxic, and basically means that as a civilisation, while we feel we have made giant leaps, we have only made small steps, and not always in the right direction. If people like Elliott Rodger feel they are entitled to women whenever they want, and entitled to kill people if they can't get what they want, something is desperately wrong. Do pour scorn on Elliott for his poor decision making but do think about whether this will happen again. Elliott, with his grandiose statements, attempting to make himself greater than all men, is not alone here. And it is usually men who kill. But as soon as they do, they stop being a victim and become part of the problem.
Culture is a big thing to tackle, it is so big that it eats people up and spits them out. But you don't fight it by killing, you do it by remaining unique and supporting others who are the same, you disobey your label and understand yourself better, and learn how to feel comfortable in your own skin rather than trying to adhere to someone else's standards. If you're a nerdy kid, be a nerdy kid. If you want to date a nerdy kid, then give it a go. If you don't like working out, then don't do it, and certainly if you don't want to get breast implants to make yourself into a form for the purpose of pleasing men, then refuse to go under the knife. Accept yourself and be open to other people who want to do the same. If they don't like you, that's their choice and their problem but it never means that everyone will ignore you. It's a big world and you have to be patient to meet the right people, not everyone does that straight away.
Conclusion: Live life, don't be a dick to others.
