Again, this is more Mr. Men fanfic. I hope you like it.
Mr. Science
Do you like Science? Do you like Science as much as Mr. Science does? Mr. Science loves Science. In fact, Mr. Science loves everything about Science.
---
Mr. Science lives in Progress Cottage, a futuristic looking house near to Mr. Clever in Clevertown. You can often tell that Mr. Science is up to something by loud noises now and then, and sometimes by the smoke rising from his cottage!
Mr. Science is always working on new inventions, and always puts on a clean, fresh, lab coat every day.
---
One day, Mr. Science had a visitor. He didn't know he had a visitor, as he had insisted on knocking the shed door instead of the front door. It was Mr. Muddle, and he had a concerned look on his face.
Mr. Science welcomed Mr. Muddle inside.
---
"How can I help you?" asked Mr. Science.
Mr. Muddle handed Mr. Science a letter explaining his problem. You see, Mr. Muddle has the habit of saying things the wrong way around, and doing the opposite of what people ask him to do. So, he asked a friend to write him a letter, explaining exactly the opposite of what Mr. Muddle told him!
---
The letter read:
"Dear Mr. Science,
I wondered if there was a way you could create a door into a parallel universe, to see if there is an opposite of me there. Maybe my opposite can help me to do things the right way round, and say things the right way round.
Yours,
Mr. Muddle"
---
Mr. Science thought. And thought some more.
"Yes, I would love t-" and then he remembered Mr. Muddle's way of understanding things.
"No, I would hate to give this a go. This is the dullest, most uninteresting idea I've had for ages. Maybe you should go home, and not stay to help me build the machine.
Mr. Muddle agreed to stay, and together they put together a machine to travel to a parallel universe.
---
Mr. Science activated the machine, and a window appeared into another world, looking kind of like this one...
Without hesitation, they went on through.
---
They exited into what looked like a magician's laboratory. Into the room came a man, looking like Mr. Science, but dressed as a wizard.
"Who are you, and what are you doing in my house? I'm a powerful wizard, you know!" demanded the wizard.
---
Mr. Science calmly replied.
"I'm Mr. Science, and this is Mr. Muddle. We have entered your world through a magic door into a parallel universe.
"Interesting. Well, my name is Mr. Magic. I suppose I'm your opposite here. As for this strange fellow, I don't know who or where his opposite is here. I suggest you go and explore!"
---
For days and days, they explored the parallel universe. They met some interesting characters on the way.
They met Mr. Fit, who looked kind of like Mr. Greedy, only much slimmer and much much more musclier.
"I know, let's go for a fifty kilometre run, followed by weightlifting and swimming. And for afters, lots and lots of yoga!"
As you would have guessed, they gave this offer a miss, so Mr. Fit went off on his run all by himself!
---
They also met Mr. Cough, who coughed and coughed like Mr. Sneeze sneezed. They told him to see a doctor!
He did not look very well!
---
They also met Mr. Careful, who looked like Mr. Bump, but without any bandages!
They also could not miss Mr. Huge, who was much more noticeable than Mr. Small.
And Mr. Generous was much more of a nicer fellow than Mr. Mean!
---
Even where Mr. Men thought they had their opposites in their own world, they even had opposites here.
For example, Mr. Fussy and Mr. Clumsy's opposites were Mr. Laid-Back and Mr. Graceful.
And, for example, Mr. Busy and Mr. Slow's opposites where Mr. Idle and Mr. Speedy.
---
They appeared to have asked everyone, but Mr. Muddle's opposite was nowhere to be seen. They even asked Mr. Know-it-all, Mr. Forgetful's opposite, but even he didn't know.
---
Not even the Little Misses could help. Not the least Little Miss Rainfall, Miss Sunshine's opposite, who was far too depressed.
---
Little Miss Magic's opposite, Miss Science could also not help, though she and Mr. Science had an interesting conversation about, well, Science!
And even Little Miss Unlucky did not have the misfortune to have bumped into Mr. Muddle's opposite.
---
Disappointed, they went home. Having explained their journey to Mr. Magic, they went back through the portal.
It was an interesting journey meeting all of the opposites here, but sadly, no opposite of Mr. Muddle to be found!
They went back home into their own universe...
---
And standing there to greet them, was a man who looked like Mr. Muddle, but entirely the right way round!
"I've been waiting here for days! Have you been looking for me? I came through just as the magic door had opened." said the mysterious man.
"We must have crossed over at exactly the same time! But what is your name?"
"My name is Mr. Organised. I'm guessing this young fellow is my opposite who wanted to find me. Well, let's see if I can help, I've got this plan ready made for this sort of thing, so let's begin!"
Eventually, Mr. Organised went home, but this wasn't the end of adventures in the parallel world...
Wednesday 29 February 2012
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Pornbots and Spam
This is a tribute to/parody of Dr. Seuss' wonderful children's book, Green Eggs and Ham (which actually is great for any age!). This is a 21st Century tribute based on the plague of pornbots/spambots on Twitter.
Seriously, if you have never read Green Eggs and Ham, or ever got into Dr Seuss, do it.
Legal: I’m not intending to get into any legal trouble writing this. If you wish for me to take down this blog post, please email me at storiesforfun@gmail.com and it will be removed within 14 days.
I am spam.
Spam I am.
That Spam-I-am!
That Spam-I-am!
I do not like
that Spam-I-am!
Do you like pornbots and spam?
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
pornbots and spam.
Would you like them
on your screen?
I would not like them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
Would you like them on a Mac?
Would you like to rub my back?
I do not like them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not like them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
Would you like to click my link?
Would you like to see some pink?
Not click a link.
Not see some pink.
Not on a Mac.
Not rub your back.
I would not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I would not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
On your iPhone?
Have them! Have them!
Hear me moan!
I would not, could not, on my iPhone.
Please don’t try to be annoyed,
You can see us on an Android!
I would not, could not, on my iPhone.
Or an Android. You leave me alone!
I do not want to click a link.
I do not want to see some pink.
I do not want them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
A PC! A PC!
Whee! On a PC!
Could you, would you,
On a PC?
Not on a PC! Not on an Android!
Not on my iPhone! Sam, I am annoyed!
I would not, could not, click a link.
I would not, could not, see some pink.
I will not want them on a Mac.
I will not want to rub your back.
I will not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Say! With your friends!
Here with your friends!
Would you, could you, with your friends?
I would not, could not, with my friends.
Would you, could you, with family?
I would not, could not, with family.
Not with my friends. Not on a PC.
Not on my iPhone, not on Android.
I do not like them, Sam, you see.
Not click a link. Not on a Mac.
Not see some pink. Not rub your back.
I will not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene!
You do not like pornbots and spam?
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Could you, would you, take a blitz?
I would not, could not, take a blitz!
Would you, could you, suck my tits?
I could not, would not, suck your tits.
I will not, will not, take a blitz.
I will not see them with family.
I will not see them on a PC.
Not with my friends! Not on Android!
Not on an iPhone! I’m so annoyed!
I do not want to click a link.
I do not want to see some pink.
I do not want them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene!
I do not like pornbots and spam!
I do not like them, Spam-I-am!
You do not like them.
So you say.
Click them! Click them!
And you may.
Click them and you may, I say.
Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will click them.
You will see.
*clicks*
Sam!
I feel like I’ve been hacked!
I do! I feel sick, Spam-I-am!
And you can hack my whole account,
And you can have the whole amount,
I don’t feel myself no more,
I now feel extremely poor.
Why did I click on that link?
Was it the promise of some pink?
I do so hate pornbots and spam!
F**k you!
F**k you,
Spam-I-am!
Seriously, if you have never read Green Eggs and Ham, or ever got into Dr Seuss, do it.
Legal: I’m not intending to get into any legal trouble writing this. If you wish for me to take down this blog post, please email me at storiesforfun@gmail.com and it will be removed within 14 days.
I am spam.
Spam I am.
That Spam-I-am!
That Spam-I-am!
I do not like
that Spam-I-am!
Do you like pornbots and spam?
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
pornbots and spam.
Would you like them
on your screen?
I would not like them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
Would you like them on a Mac?
Would you like to rub my back?
I do not like them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not like them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them,
Spam-I-am.
Would you like to click my link?
Would you like to see some pink?
Not click a link.
Not see some pink.
Not on a Mac.
Not rub your back.
I would not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I would not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
On your iPhone?
Have them! Have them!
Hear me moan!
I would not, could not, on my iPhone.
Please don’t try to be annoyed,
You can see us on an Android!
I would not, could not, on my iPhone.
Or an Android. You leave me alone!
I do not want to click a link.
I do not want to see some pink.
I do not want them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
A PC! A PC!
Whee! On a PC!
Could you, would you,
On a PC?
Not on a PC! Not on an Android!
Not on my iPhone! Sam, I am annoyed!
I would not, could not, click a link.
I would not, could not, see some pink.
I will not want them on a Mac.
I will not want to rub your back.
I will not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene.
I do not like pornbots and spam.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Say! With your friends!
Here with your friends!
Would you, could you, with your friends?
I would not, could not, with my friends.
Would you, could you, with family?
I would not, could not, with family.
Not with my friends. Not on a PC.
Not on my iPhone, not on Android.
I do not like them, Sam, you see.
Not click a link. Not on a Mac.
Not see some pink. Not rub your back.
I will not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene!
You do not like pornbots and spam?
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
Could you, would you, take a blitz?
I would not, could not, take a blitz!
Would you, could you, suck my tits?
I could not, would not, suck your tits.
I will not, will not, take a blitz.
I will not see them with family.
I will not see them on a PC.
Not with my friends! Not on Android!
Not on an iPhone! I’m so annoyed!
I do not want to click a link.
I do not want to see some pink.
I do not want them on a Mac.
I do not want to rub your back.
I do not want them on my screen.
Kids would find this stuff obscene!
I do not like pornbots and spam!
I do not like them, Spam-I-am!
You do not like them.
So you say.
Click them! Click them!
And you may.
Click them and you may, I say.
Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will click them.
You will see.
*clicks*
Sam!
I feel like I’ve been hacked!
I do! I feel sick, Spam-I-am!
And you can hack my whole account,
And you can have the whole amount,
I don’t feel myself no more,
I now feel extremely poor.
Why did I click on that link?
Was it the promise of some pink?
I do so hate pornbots and spam!
F**k you!
F**k you,
Spam-I-am!
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Mr. Gay
Apologies in advance to Roger Hargreaves for all his hard work in creating the Mr. Men, only for the memory of it to be ruined by drivel like this...
This is the story of Mr Gay.
Mr Gay lives in a house called Stonewall Cottage, in the middle of a forest in Bigotland.
Now, you may think that the Mr. Men are interested in girls. This might happen to young boys when they get older. And you may know already that some of the Mr Men have Little Miss girlfriends. But you may be in for a surprise.
Mr Gay wasn't interested in girls at all! Not even a little bit.
---
Well, you may know, or may not know, Bigotland can be a very horrible place to live indeed, if you happen to be someone the people there don't like. You're either very very liked, or very very disliked!
Now, Mr Gay was usually a happy sort of a person, but as soon as he met anyone else from Bigotland, Mr Gay would become very unhappy indeed!
Why was that? I'll tell you.
---
For example. When Mr Gay collects his post from Mr. Parcel the postman, all of his letters and packages are usually left outside in a puddle. And some of the letters he receives from people are not so nice either!
---
For example. When Mr Gay walks into town, passers by shout abuse at him.
"You disgusting man!" shouted old Mr Cap.
"Ha ha, look at him! He's revolting!" laughed a group of teenagers.
"People like you are not normal!" remarked Mrs Handbag.
He even got spat on! How horrible is that? You wouldn't like to be spat on.
---
For example. When he arrived in town, he was treated differently to other people.
He saw Mrs Mummy pull her son close to her, muttering something to him about keeping away from people like Mr Gay.
Mr Baguette the baker would not even talk to him, or even look him in the eye!
Mr Flour the grocer huffed, puffed and shook his head when he came in to buy some eggs.
And Mr. Sausage the butcher, chased him out of the shop with his meat cleaver!
---
A very miserable Mr Gay decided to make his way home, looking very unhappy indeed. And then, on his way home to Stonewall Cottage, one very nasty man tripped him over!
Breaking all his eggs!
"We don't want your sort here!" shouted the nasty man as he walked away.
---
At home, Mr Gay sat and cried. And cried some more. And thought. And had an idea.
"I think I'll have a little holiday." he thought.
He picked up the phone and called his cousin, Mr. Happy, who said he would be delighted for him to come over.
---
Mr Gay took the next coach to Happyland and soon after, he arrived at Mr Happy's house. Mr Gay went inside, and they talked and talked over cups of tea and biscuits.
Mr Happy had an idea, "You really don't deserve to be alone in this world. Maybe you could look for a partner!"
Mr Gay looked puzzled. "A partner? You really think so? But I don't know anyone else like me!"
Mr Happy smiled and replied, "I know some other people who feel the same way as you do. How about I arrange some dates for you?"
And Mr Gay said, "I would love that!"
---
So, Mr Happy arranged for Mr Gay to go on his first date, at the Swank Restaurant in Happyland.
Mr Fussy arrived to meet Mr Gay. But this evening was a bit embarrassing, to say the least!
Mr Fussy immediately corrected Mr Gay's tie, moaned to the waiter about how dirty the table was (and the cutlery) and didn't stop complaining about the food!
Needless to say, Mr Gay didn't enjoy this date at all!
---
Mr Gay also went on a date with Mr Chatterbox at the Swank, who was a pleasant sort of a chap, right up until the point when he opened his mouth.
"Wow, this really is a nice place, or should I say, a nice restaurant. I love restaurants, I do, and this really looks a very top notch place. I read all of the reviews before I came here, a lot of them do say the food is really delicious, in particular they recommended the Steak Diane, though with steak I sometimes just like a touch of pepper. Or pepper sauce even! How do you like your steak cooked, I prefer mine medium rare, though on the odd occasion, I will have it well done. And I do love some chunky chips with my steak, nice and yellow with a good crunch, though on some days, I will have some new potatoes. With a touch of mint of course, and some butter too. Oh and apparently the salmon is to die for, and..."
As wonderful as the reviews sounded, all one hundred of them, by the time Mr Chatterbox had finished talking, it was time for the restaurant to close. Mr Gay left, starving!
---
Mr Gay's final date at the Swank was with Mr Greedy. Mr Gay was about to recommend a number of items to Mr Greedy (as told by Mr Chatterbox from the last date); however, Mr. Greedy decided to order:
"I'll have everything on the menu... twice!"
And watching Mr Greedy polish off plates and plates of food had really put Mr Gay off his own meal! Which Mr Greedy finished off for him. And then Mr Greedy asked for pudding!
So this wasn't a good date either!
---
Mr Gay explained to Mr Happy what had happened with his dates, and how they didn't go very well indeed..
And then, Mr Happy said to Mr Gay, "Everybody is different, and this is what makes us what we are. We can't always expect to be what others expect of us. The main thing is just to be yourself. I mean, I don't think I could expect Mr Fussy, Mr Chatterbox or Mr Greedy to stop being themselves! Well, Mr Greedy did go on a diet the one time, but that didn't last very long! This is the true path to being happy."
Mr Gay smiled.
---
And that's almost the end of the story.
Mr Gay kept looking for a partner and made the decision to move away from Bigotland. Which was just in time, as Bigotland was destroyed by an asteroid soon after.
Everybody died.
Mr Gay
This is the story of Mr Gay.
Mr Gay lives in a house called Stonewall Cottage, in the middle of a forest in Bigotland.
Now, you may think that the Mr. Men are interested in girls. This might happen to young boys when they get older. And you may know already that some of the Mr Men have Little Miss girlfriends. But you may be in for a surprise.
Mr Gay wasn't interested in girls at all! Not even a little bit.
---
Well, you may know, or may not know, Bigotland can be a very horrible place to live indeed, if you happen to be someone the people there don't like. You're either very very liked, or very very disliked!
Now, Mr Gay was usually a happy sort of a person, but as soon as he met anyone else from Bigotland, Mr Gay would become very unhappy indeed!
Why was that? I'll tell you.
---
For example. When Mr Gay collects his post from Mr. Parcel the postman, all of his letters and packages are usually left outside in a puddle. And some of the letters he receives from people are not so nice either!
---
For example. When Mr Gay walks into town, passers by shout abuse at him.
"You disgusting man!" shouted old Mr Cap.
"Ha ha, look at him! He's revolting!" laughed a group of teenagers.
"People like you are not normal!" remarked Mrs Handbag.
He even got spat on! How horrible is that? You wouldn't like to be spat on.
---
For example. When he arrived in town, he was treated differently to other people.
He saw Mrs Mummy pull her son close to her, muttering something to him about keeping away from people like Mr Gay.
Mr Baguette the baker would not even talk to him, or even look him in the eye!
Mr Flour the grocer huffed, puffed and shook his head when he came in to buy some eggs.
And Mr. Sausage the butcher, chased him out of the shop with his meat cleaver!
---
A very miserable Mr Gay decided to make his way home, looking very unhappy indeed. And then, on his way home to Stonewall Cottage, one very nasty man tripped him over!
Breaking all his eggs!
"We don't want your sort here!" shouted the nasty man as he walked away.
---
At home, Mr Gay sat and cried. And cried some more. And thought. And had an idea.
"I think I'll have a little holiday." he thought.
He picked up the phone and called his cousin, Mr. Happy, who said he would be delighted for him to come over.
---
Mr Gay took the next coach to Happyland and soon after, he arrived at Mr Happy's house. Mr Gay went inside, and they talked and talked over cups of tea and biscuits.
Mr Happy had an idea, "You really don't deserve to be alone in this world. Maybe you could look for a partner!"
Mr Gay looked puzzled. "A partner? You really think so? But I don't know anyone else like me!"
Mr Happy smiled and replied, "I know some other people who feel the same way as you do. How about I arrange some dates for you?"
And Mr Gay said, "I would love that!"
---
So, Mr Happy arranged for Mr Gay to go on his first date, at the Swank Restaurant in Happyland.
Mr Fussy arrived to meet Mr Gay. But this evening was a bit embarrassing, to say the least!
Mr Fussy immediately corrected Mr Gay's tie, moaned to the waiter about how dirty the table was (and the cutlery) and didn't stop complaining about the food!
Needless to say, Mr Gay didn't enjoy this date at all!
---
Mr Gay also went on a date with Mr Chatterbox at the Swank, who was a pleasant sort of a chap, right up until the point when he opened his mouth.
"Wow, this really is a nice place, or should I say, a nice restaurant. I love restaurants, I do, and this really looks a very top notch place. I read all of the reviews before I came here, a lot of them do say the food is really delicious, in particular they recommended the Steak Diane, though with steak I sometimes just like a touch of pepper. Or pepper sauce even! How do you like your steak cooked, I prefer mine medium rare, though on the odd occasion, I will have it well done. And I do love some chunky chips with my steak, nice and yellow with a good crunch, though on some days, I will have some new potatoes. With a touch of mint of course, and some butter too. Oh and apparently the salmon is to die for, and..."
As wonderful as the reviews sounded, all one hundred of them, by the time Mr Chatterbox had finished talking, it was time for the restaurant to close. Mr Gay left, starving!
---
Mr Gay's final date at the Swank was with Mr Greedy. Mr Gay was about to recommend a number of items to Mr Greedy (as told by Mr Chatterbox from the last date); however, Mr. Greedy decided to order:
"I'll have everything on the menu... twice!"
And watching Mr Greedy polish off plates and plates of food had really put Mr Gay off his own meal! Which Mr Greedy finished off for him. And then Mr Greedy asked for pudding!
So this wasn't a good date either!
---
Mr Gay explained to Mr Happy what had happened with his dates, and how they didn't go very well indeed..
And then, Mr Happy said to Mr Gay, "Everybody is different, and this is what makes us what we are. We can't always expect to be what others expect of us. The main thing is just to be yourself. I mean, I don't think I could expect Mr Fussy, Mr Chatterbox or Mr Greedy to stop being themselves! Well, Mr Greedy did go on a diet the one time, but that didn't last very long! This is the true path to being happy."
Mr Gay smiled.
---
And that's almost the end of the story.
Mr Gay kept looking for a partner and made the decision to move away from Bigotland. Which was just in time, as Bigotland was destroyed by an asteroid soon after.
Everybody died.
Kids books
I want to see how many kids books I can write. They don't have as much text as adult books - they're also more artwork-heavy so i'd have to employ some kind of artist. Can I draw, can I fuck as like, not to the professional standards you kind of expect. I can't even draw a circle, how stupid is that?
I'm thinking of writing my own stuff as well as doing some kind of piss-poor tribute to the kids books we know and love. I've already got an idea for a Mr Men book. Roger Hargreaves will either love it or hate it.
And on the theme of being unoriginal I have ideas on how to ruin the works of Dr Seuss. As if that hasn't been done before.
Let's Shit!
A few weeks ago I had an idea for a kid's book to teach young kids to potty train. For fucks sake, just read.
Let's Shit
Mommy, Mommy I want a poo
The other kids, they use the loo
I want to do a big massive crappy
I don't want to do it in my nappy
Mommy said, hold on a minute
Let's get your potty for a shit
My brother's potty is smelly and old
It makes my bum cheeks scratchy and cold
She said, I've got for you a little treat
Why don't you try this trainer seat?
Oh Mommy wow! That's really neat!
Well come on now, let's go excrete!
Mommy set it up for me
Now I need to shit and wee
Off with the trousers, off with the shoes
Off with the nappy, I'm ready to poo!
Then Mommy said you can poo now
I'm shitting, I'm pissing, oh wow, oh wow!
Mommy is very proud of me,
I held onto my shit and wee
I shat and pissed like Mommy and Pappy
Whoever thought I needed a nappy?
So if you want some fun today,
Let's shit and piss and shout hooray!
Artists welcome :)))))))))))
Let's Shit
Mommy, Mommy I want a poo
The other kids, they use the loo
I want to do a big massive crappy
I don't want to do it in my nappy
Mommy said, hold on a minute
Let's get your potty for a shit
My brother's potty is smelly and old
It makes my bum cheeks scratchy and cold
She said, I've got for you a little treat
Why don't you try this trainer seat?
Oh Mommy wow! That's really neat!
Well come on now, let's go excrete!
Mommy set it up for me
Now I need to shit and wee
Off with the trousers, off with the shoes
Off with the nappy, I'm ready to poo!
Then Mommy said you can poo now
I'm shitting, I'm pissing, oh wow, oh wow!
Mommy is very proud of me,
I held onto my shit and wee
I shat and pissed like Mommy and Pappy
Whoever thought I needed a nappy?
So if you want some fun today,
Let's shit and piss and shout hooray!
Artists welcome :)))))))))))
Basic shit
I've been blogging for years, but I've never advertised that I've made a blog, or got people interested in it. They've since been deleted now, but there was one thing I realised about my blogs - they were fucking boring!
Here is a place anyway for me to post all the shit that's too long for twitter and stuff
Here is a place anyway for me to post all the shit that's too long for twitter and stuff
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