Iain Duncan Smith's Posh Nosh for the poor

(This article is a work of fiction, and is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not try any of the recipes below for real, as this could result in illness, injury, death or embarrassment.)

Hi!

I'm Iain Duncan Smith, MP for Chingford and Woodford Green, and Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

Today I want to show you that, not only can the average person survive on £53, that it doesn't mean you have to skimp on quality. Foodwise, even if you receive Government benefit, you can still dine in fashion!

Try these recipes for size.

1) Posh gruel

Now, you may think gruel kept mediaeval peasants going, and yes, it did. You could say this country was built on gruel, something so simple to keep workers going throughout the day. This version adds a modern twist.

Gruel can be made with all cereals (no, not coco pops, cereals are things like wheat, rice, oats and barley!). It is like a watery version of porridge.

Make your gruel by adding your cereal (this can be ground too, so you can use flour), so raid your cupboards for whatever you have. If you don't have any flour, oats or own-brand Ready Brek, just simply mash some bird feed, or grass seeds into a fine pulp, with a mortar and pestle, a rolling pin, or a house brick.

Boil this in water, or microwave for a while.

Gruel is largely flavourless mush, but you can use your kitchen flair to add a touch of class. Try adding a glug of Tesco Value blackcurrant cordial for a fruity zing!

Garnish with a dandelion flower. Beautiful.

2) 'Lobster' Thermidor

This version does without expensive lobster. Now, let me talk to you about cats. In the wrong hands (of the poor), cats can be a drain on resources, and a source of most inconvenient faecal deposits around the house, that the kids keep picking up and playing with. Just think of the savings you can make, not having to buy cat food any more!

Ingredients:

1 cat
Lidl mayonnaise

Simply take one cat, beat it unconscious, and hang upside down. Slit its neck, and collect the blood in a bowl (you will need this for later). Skin it (you can dry it out to make a fashionable scarf for the children).

You now need to cook the cat. If you haven't got an Aga, a Rangemaster will do. OK, a microwave. It's been taken by bailiffs? Ok, warm the cat with your cigarette lighter all over for an hour.

To make the sauce, simply mix the blood with the mayonnaise, pour onto the cooked cat and serve with a garnish of chives, or a handful of torn grass.

Savour with a glass of prison hooch.

3) Chicken supreme with living rice

This is a fun meal for hungry children.

Now, Bin Day. You're thinking, it's such a chore and you get nothing back from it. Do you realise, though, the sort of things your neighbours throw out?

Grabbing a bag of your neighbour's rubbish is kind of a game. You never know what's inside! If you open the bag, you might find the ingredients for a tasty, nutritious meal. If you get this combination, I'll show you how to make a gourmet meal fit for a king.

1 chicken carcass (which may or may not still have some meat attached)

1 bottle/carton of off milk

Herbs

The lucky ones may find that the chicken carcass comes free with its own, you may call it, 'living rice'. These are little, white, squirmy things which crawl over the chicken carcass (you may find them on other meats, like beef, pork or, especially after Christmas, turkey). Rice tends to be starchy carbohydrate, but 'living rice' is a good source of protein.

Simply shake or pick off the living rice and place into a bowl. Bake, or microwave the chicken carcass for how much electricity remains in the meter. 5p should be enough, I think.

The off milk should have reduced to a nice, creamy lump, which you can pour straight onto the chicken. Serve the living rice on the side.

4) Urban Royal Game Soup

A hearty favourite.

Ingredients:

Roadkill

Dead pigeon

Asda smart price gravy granules

Out on your daily travels to find employment, you may come across roadkill. Out in the country (where I live), you tend to find foxes, badgers, pheasants, deer, that sort of thing. In the city, you may find cats (see Lobster Thermidor), rats, mice, and more cats. All fair game, as it were, for tasty, nutritious soup. The living cats of course may have mauled a pigeon to death, or the local kids have been having fun with an air rifle again.

Simply collect your quarry, skin and pluck and harvest all the meat and organs to sizzle in a casserole dish. Or microwave. While the meat is browning nicely, boil the kettle and mix the hot water in a jug with the gravy granules. Once dissolved, pour the gravy onto the meat and simmer.

Enjoy with a glass of your sobbing children's tears.

I'm feeling rather all peckish now.

Iain